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L.J. Mooney Huddersfield / United Kingdom, Male, 30
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3/12/2009 6:23:00 PM

Latest 5 Poems of L.J. Mooney

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    L.J. Mooney's last comments on poems and poets

    • POEM: An Everlasting Love by Delicate Heart (5/1/2009 3:23:00 PM)

      There's a lot more rhythm and simplicity to this one. I like it. You've improved with this poem. However, if you allow me to show you where you made a few slight errors. I think this is how it should be written:

      'I gazed in wonder at the sky.
      Staring, thinking, saying why
      Does the space reflect her eyes?
      For the stars have many ties.
      Belong to her entity until she dies.

      What makes one watch the sky?
      'Tis her love.
      For her I would die.
      Only to lie.
      In her sigh.

      Her love, it makes me but insane.
      Walking, running in the torrential rain.
      I guess her flames are like a fire.
      Brace my heart by a tight wire.
      Without her invigorating fuel.
      I am nothing more than a fool.'

      'Cos' would be better as 'for'. In the 7th line, 'him' should be 'her', if you are still addressing the sky. Seeing as you've personified the sky as 'her', it would be a mistake to change it to a 'him.'

      The last line didn't make much sense, so I changed it to 'I am nothing more than a fool.'

      With time, your grammar will improve and your poetry will inevitably improve as well. I see promise in your work.

    • POEM: Tough Love by Delicate Heart (4/25/2009 5:16:00 PM)

      I can definitely empathise with your love being unspoken. It is a curse that befalls many people. What we desire is within reach, but human fraility causes us to fall with arms outstretched.

      A simple and enjoyable poem. Well done.

    • POEM: When The Invaders Come by Delicate Heart (4/25/2009 5:13:00 PM)

      I really understood the protectiveness and loyalty behind this poem. Very good.

      However, I think the line 'Where when time comes I am in realism' should read 'When the time comes, I am in realism.'

      Other than that, I liked it.

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