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4/11/2010 2:26:00 PM
4/11/2010 2:24:00 PM

Latest 5 Poems of Ruth Fairlamb

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    Ruth Fairlamb's last comments on poems and poets

    • POEM: Reversal by Cabaline xxx (4/11/2010 3:53:00 PM)

      This is such a clever litlle verse. You cannot improve it. it is perfect!

      BTW I note that my 'Ball-shaped' version of your poem did go 'pear-shaped' when I submitted it. I had carefully used the space-bar to push all the lines along till they formed a sphere. but when I submitted it they just went back to left-alignment There is no centre alignment button on this page, but maybe you can see how it works anyway. I would give you an 8 for 'ONE DAY' I give you a ten for 'Reversal'

    • POEM: One Day by Cabaline xxx (4/11/2010 3:43:00 PM)

      I really like this little poem. It has an easy, gently buzzing rhythm that clearly describes the journey of the bee from flower to flower. I would like you to re-set your lines though and change some words, to make a visual pattern, Like this:

      I have taken the liberty of changing some of the wording, to make the lines the right length. It is only an idea! What do you think?

      --ONE DAY--

      Under the sun a busy bee flies.
      A bee buzzing from picnic to flower.

      Picking a flower to land on that's picked-
      Picked so carefully by a charming, sweet boy.

      This gentle, young gentleman passes this flower,
      To a pretty, young lady, who places it in a small vase,

      A vase on a shelf, on a shelf.out of the way of a lively child,
      A curious child, who stares at the vase before going out to play

      With his friends, to play football.- The ball lands amongst flowers.
      One flower is crushed into the ground, a flower that was visited

      Earlier on, that bright sunny day, by a different buzzing bee.
      A buzzing bee that once flew under the bright, hot sun.

      So the bees' work was ruined that hot, sunny day
      For the fertilised flowers would never bear seed,

      To make new flowers to bloom and to blow
      Awaiting the coming of more busy bees

      On more bright, hot sunny days
      ---------
      With apologies to: -
      Cabaline xxx
      *
      I played with your idea, and tried to make a shape poem out of it. That is fun to do and forces you to think of better words, and of how to prune the lines to the shape you want. I have played fast and loose with your words, trying to make a ball-shaped poem. Please forgive me for meddling, but I am only hoping to spur you on to greater efforts. I really think your poem has potential and I just wanted to give you another way of looking at it. I hope you don't mind! Note, I also played with the spaces between the lines, hoping to get a more spherical shape. Perhaps you canimprove on this? I hope it comes out as I did it, and doesn't go pear-shaped or something when I submit it!